Looking back at 2018.

2018, you have been a wild one.

I took a lot of risks and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Spontaneously flew to Iceland and Barcelona. Made friends in the most random places. Drove for the first time since I got my license in Iceland. Jumped into random hot springs. Flew to 4 countries alone, visited 8 cities. Dealt with 3 deaths. Withdrew from college. Almost moved to Japan. Almost got a promotion but withdrew. I’ve cried my heart out more than I can count, but laughed even more than that. I have memories from this past year I hope I will never forget. Above all, I’ve learned and grew from all of the experiences. I’m finally becoming a fearless woman that I’ve always wished I could be.

But It wasn’t always like this.

There was a time that I would sit by the phone waiting for a text back from a guy. I would scroll through instagram and compare my life to someone else’s. Stumble upon a photo of yet another girl from college that has gotten engaged and thought when is it my turn? When am I going to have the life that I had envisioned for myself? When was I going to be happy?

Looking back it feels like those days were years ago, however it was just the beginning of this year.

I worried so much about other people’s feelings that I didn’t acknowledge my own. I bent over backwards to make a relationship work with a guy, but at one point I just got up and walked away because I deserved better. I worried about dressing to fit in with whatever crowd I was with, but now I wear whatever I please. I used to want to blend in with the crowd so I can be accepted, but I finally accepted myself for being unique. I worried about speaking my mind too much and making incorrect statements, and hell I still do but I’ve gotten better. I used to depend on validation to feel worthy, but I don’t need validation to be worthy of love because I love myself. In the past year, I’ve become so much more comfortable in my own skin and I am thankful for that. I used to to be so anxious about finding that special someone to love, instead I’ve found myself incredible friends to love.

Enough was enough, I was going to be happy Now.

I was done allowing things affect my happiness. No matter what, no matter who, in any and all circumstance, I decided I was going to be happy. I wasn’t going to let anything take that away from me ever again. I’m not stopping my life for anyone anymore. You can join me on this journey of personal development, but be sure to keep up because I’m not slowing down. I’ve left toxic friends and people behind, which were all hard decisions but actions I’ve had to take for my own sake. I’ve learned how to say no and stand up for myself. But I’ve also learned to love all people. I’ve learned to take action and revamp my blog that fazed away a year ago. I’ve rebuilt my website from scratch on an entirely new platform. I’ve traveled to 4 countries alone and made a lot of incredible connections all over the world. I’ve pushed myself in school to challenge Calculus. I hated calculus but I still challenged it and gave it my all, so I’m proud of that. I withdrew from school because it wasn’t making me happy, and I’m proud to have chosen me. I’ve learned to love myself and feel comfortable in who I am. I’ve learned to love life unconditionally and give everything that I’ve got.

I made the decision to change my life and I did. so can you.

Hell my life has changed so much but also hasn’t changed much (if that makes any sense). My circumstance hasn’t changed one bit. I’m not more financially well off than I was in 2017, I still have the same job I had a year ago, I still haven’t moved out of my parent’s apartment but my mindset towards my circumstances have changed. I used to think I was going to be happy once I got my own apartment, once I started my career, and once I had my life together. I was going to finally be happy then. Wrong. I was so focused on the future and how I was going to be happy once I had something, once my life looked a certain way. But I wasn’t happy at that moment. That’s when I decided to stop living in the future but rather in the present. My life is not together at all, but I decided to be happy where I stand. And you know what? I am.

If you’re dwelling in the past or depending on a fairy tale world of a future then sorry to break it to you, but you aren’t going to find absolute happiness. If you’re depending on some external force you can’t control to make you happy, chances are it’s not going to happen. Maybe you might achieve some relative happiness that comes and goes with material possessions. Or if you’re waiting for something to be the way it was back then, or for something to happen so you can be happy, be prepared for disappointment. Life never goes as planned and that’s just the reality. So choose to make yourself happy now. Happiness is a decision. Make the decision to be happy no matter what, and don’t let anything take that away from you. Not even depression. Not even family. Not even money. I made the decision to stop living in the future and enjoy my life. Everyday, I choose to embrace every problem, appreciate everything I have, keep pushing myself towards progress, and be as big hearted as I possibly can.

For 2019, make the determination to change your life.

Don’t make some half assed bull shit resolution that you’re not going to actualize. Take responsibility for your life and make the change. You don’t like something in your life, then take action. Life is too short to be unhappy. Live in the present. Be happy now. Stop dwelling on the past or worrying about the future and focus on this very moment. Reflect every now and then to see how far you’ve come, but don’t look back too frequently. Don’t rush the life that you’ve been given. Take it one day at a time but give everyday everything you’ve got. Life is a constant battle, so enjoy that battle. Love people, care for one another and give a shit about how the person next to you is doing. Hold yourself accountable and take action now.

Don’t let life pass you by.

My 2019 New Year’s resolution

This year I’ve surrounded my self with amazing people and for that I’m infinitely grateful. I’ve never been able to open myself to people when I was hurting, but this year people have shown me so much compassion that I felt comfortable with being vulnerable with them. When I was going through some emotional turmoil, I turned around and I had friends who literally had their arms open wide to hug me. Quite frankly, that’s not something I’ve ever had growing up. There was a time I was harassed and my dear friend fought for me without hesitation. There was a time I wanted to cry but held myself together, and my friend knew so she took me out for waffles and coffee. When I was home sick, people called me and messaged me to check on me. These are just few of many incredible people. I never had this growing up. These people have taught me what it means to be human and to care for another person. Because of these people, I’ve learned to love all people, see the good in everyone and care so much. So thank you.

For 2019, I vow to become as compassionate and big hearted as I can. What’s your new year’s resolution?