swipe life

the art of photo analyzing

Since my post on dating was so popular, let’s talk about it again. However this time, let’s talk about things to avoid and key points in analyzing people through their online profiles (aka Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OKCupid and whatever else out there) because analyzing people is fun.

First of all, dating is hard no matter the gender, age, sexual orientation or race. On top of that dating apps SUCK. They’re so boring and lame. I’ve met a total of two people off of Tinder/Bumble. One was the son of some high profile politician from some middle eastern country who liked Trump and he had an overly inflated sense of self importance * major eye roll *. The other was a delusional data analyst who had sociopathic tendencies. Least to say, they both sucked.

The photos that people choose to post can give us HUGE insight into who they are. I wish I had known these things before going on a date with those two guys. There are so many hints that I’ve learned to pick up on from photos alone and weed out the bad. I wouldn’t say that I’m judging a book by it’s cover, but rather observing the body language in the photos and analyzing other behavioral cues.

It’s important that you tailor the things you look depending on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for something serious, don’t swipe right on a person with photos at the club or a drink in their hand in every photo. Like what do you expect? For them to magically stop going to clubs and drinking so much? If you really think that you can change a person, check yourself first. People don’t change unless they want to change.

By the end of this, you’ll be a pro at analyzing people through their behaviors (hopefully). Definitely can’t guarantee that you’ll meet the right person, considering I still haven’t gone on a third date off of an app. Like I said in my last post, I’m not actively going out of my way to find dates, hence the lack of date #3 off of an app. However I’m still open to going on a date as long as I’m intrigued and don’t sense any red flags.

Here is a list of things to avoid when looking for something with potential on an app. I’ve compiled this list over a year of swiping around using my knowledge of basic behavioral science (sounds fancier that way).

DISCLAIMER:

Please read for the shits and giggles. Don’t take this too seriously or your feelings might get hurt.

You could also just wear the shoe if it fits. You can also use this guide to fix your dating profile. Up to you however way you want to take it.

things to avoid:

Profile with only selfies

ESPECIALLY if they’re older than 25 (random number), steer clear. It usually symbolizes that they don’t have a social life and for a reason. It can mean that socializing isn’t a priority, which can lead to a conclusion that dating for them isn’t a priority. You might get put on the back burner over whatever it is that’s more important. On the contrary, it could mean they’re just fucking weird. Also it can also mean that they’re super insecure that they only take photos of themselves and don’t approve of photos taken by others. It can mean a lot of things, but nothing good.

Profiles with multiple shirtless/bikini/gym pics

Might mean that they only care about the surface level (ugh so shallow) or insecure in their other qualities and use their body to make up for it. Confidence is easy to fake, so don’t get swept away by some six pack or killer booty and think they’re a confident person. They could also just be a meat head (muscle head or whatever you guys call it), which could mean that engaging in a good conversation over food might be a long shot. Another possibility is that they’re just looking to hook up.

Profiles with friends in EVERY photo

You can’t even tell which person is the person you’re actually swiping on. Clearly don't care to notice that you can’t tell. So most likely not serious about dating, just there for the swipes.

It says: “You must be…” in their caption

SWIPE LEFT RIGHT NOW. Do not ever swipe right on someone that has qualifications you must meet. Most likely has double standards. Next!

Someone that dresses like they’re still in a frat

Most likely still acts like they’re in a frat.

Only has one photo

Might be catfish, might be really unattractive, might be a serial killer, might be your dad. Left!

Has sunglasses on in EVERY photo

This makes me worry that they think they’re cool because they have sunglasses on. They probably stopped the photographer to put the sunglasses on (lol). Sunglasses aren’t that cool. Most likely really weird.

Has a filter on EVERY photo

Butterflies in hair, puppy ears, and whatever it is that snapchat has nowadays are cute for snapchat. Not for dating profiles. Obviously your eyes aren’t that big in person, your skin isn’t that immaculate, and you really don’t have butterflies in your hair (unless you’re at the butterfly room at the museum or it’s Halloween). Your real natural face with or without make up is cuter than that fake AR shit. Also it just screams insecurity, like you don’t like your face with out the filters. Girl, you look beautiful, stop it.

Boomerang with lip licking or tongue action

EW GROSS, please stop. CREEP ALERT. LEFT.

Job Title: Model

Steer clear of male models that don’t have photos of them NOT modeling and NOT being a normal human being. Models that take themselves too seriously aren’t fun and tend to be infatuated with themselves or used to getting everything they want (obviously because they’re attractive). Entitled boys are the worst kind of breed, they will destroy your life in ways unimaginable.

Has alcohol in hand or at the club in every photo

Clearly has not gotten over turning 21 (But you’re like 28?). You’ll most likely find them filling their void drinking. Most likely has commitment issues or might be an alcoholic. LEFT.

With all of this in mind, take these apps with a goldilocks amount of seriousness. Don’t spend more than 5 seconds on each profile or you’ll end up getting more and more frustrated. If you’re in doubt, just swipe left. If it’s meant to be, they’ll find you at your local Shake Shack. Maybe that’s a bit creepy?

Once you go through the vigorous vetting process in 5 seconds, hopefully you’ll weed out all of the narcissistic, insecure and or weird people with mommy and daddy issues. Your matches will hopefully be better quality and you won’t have to deal with seeing “You’re not that hot anyway” in your messages when you don’t respond in 5 minutes (see all the tinder nightmares here).

These are just things to avoid or red flags to take note of. Don’t forget though, this is just the beginning. There’s more to the vetting process once you match. Trust your gut and be stringent in who you invest your time in. Lets talk about things to look for next!